1 month

Time is flying, only one month to go until we fly to Thailand. In the meantime we have Christmas and New Year to get through as well as moving out on the 1st January. However I have finished my TEFL course so I can now officially teach abroad! I just have to hope that luck is on my side and I get a job out there, else well be coming home after 2 months.

I've not been developing my spiritual side recently, between being made redundant, doing my course and volunteering at a school for two weeks I haven't found the time, but it's always with me :)

I started a job waitressing at a pub for two weeks before giving it up realising that I had put too much on my plate so to speak. I'm working part time with my old manager fundraising and enjoying being back with her again, where I started. She really is an inspirational woman and helps give me the courage to go for what I want in life, just got to figure out what that is first!

Will keep updates of the move to Thailand for anyone who may want to do it but have hesitations, we will just have to see how it all plays out.

Read a cool Bob Marley quote today, "Love the life you live, live the life you love"

That's the way to do it.

Every cloud...

Fast day and non smoking flew out the window yesterday when I got some news. After working as an events fundraiser for a children's medical research charity for 3 months I was made redundant. 

Very mixed emotions, initially shock, I feel worried but slightly relieved. What they didn't know is that I have been planning on going to Thailand in January and was going to hand in my notice at the end of November. I went to Thailand twice last year and fell in love with the country and the people. I have been doing an online Teach English as a Foreign Language course for the past two months so that Rob and I can move out there for six months. It's not technically a redunancy apparently as I haven't been there long enough, however it has put a small spanner in the works with regards to money but I'll sort something out and Rob's online business will help. 

In all honesty, I've spent the past month or two trying my hardest not to count down the weeks before I could leave. The people were nice, a little too nice. But the job was not everything I had expected. With the chance to work at some amazing events here and abroad, chasing people for sponsorship money and effectively being a debt collector was not my cup of tea. I also need to get away from staring at a screen for the majority of the day. I went into the charity sector with all the right intentions to do good and make a difference, but when people take part in events without caring where there sponsorship money goes and then failing to give what they promised to, I have lost the passion. I'm not one to look backwards but if I had my time again, I would have done a masters or degree that allowed me to care for people on the front line rather than from a desk.

This time last year I was about to embark on a trip of a lifetime to central and south america ( blog http://central-southamerica.blogspot.co.uk/ ). When I got back two months later and returned to working as a fundraiser for another children's charity I got the travel blues bad. I loved the cause of the charity I used to work for but it was small and like all charities, it was suffering in the current economic climate. There was little room for growth so I moved on. Moving out with Rob and getting a new job in the space of a month, I thought I would be happy. But I haven't felt fulfilled. Turns out the new job that I didn't enjoy was really a blessing in disguise as it pushed me to make the move to Thailand. Rob has been great as well and I am so pleased that he will be coming with me.

So big changes happening at the moment.Staying positive. Cannot wait to be back on the beach in paradise!

Renunciation!

So my first challenge is to practise the Parami of Renunciation, with a particular focus on my unhealthy lifestyle choices that provide me with fleeting sensations of satisfaction: overindulgence with food, drinking and smoking.

So on Monday I decided to attempt to to kick the 'cancer sticks'. When I returned from staying with my friend in Cornwall, Rob (other half) had bought us both an electronic cigarette each. Good, I thought, now's as good a time as any to try to quit, or cut down at the very least. On Monday morning I had my compulsory first-thing-in-the-morning rollie. I then set off to work, not thinking too much about quitting. I stopped at the garage to fill up my car and buy more tobacco. When I went to pay for my fuel and baccy, my card was declined due to a lack of funds (end of the month!). I asked the lady to put the tobacco back, and the payment went through. Now there's a sign if ever I saw one. So I set off for the day tobacco-less. I should add here that I have already started taking the first steps the week before by cutting down to smoking tobacco instead of real cigarettes, which has been a challenge in itself.

Thanks to the E-lite cigarette it went very well! I did have a tiny bit of tobacco left at home and couldn't resist having a couple after dinner. All in all, I went to bed having only smoked 4 rollies, pretty good compared to the usual 14. I'm going to try and stick to the maximum of 4 a day for the time being until I'm ready to give them up altogether, and I must say that I haven't particularly enjoyed the ones that I have had.

My second renunciation is food. I love my food, alot. After the weekend where I overindulged with fried breakfast, dominos pizza, burger king, and Cornish cream tea I started to feel very fat and slob like. So I am trying the 5:2 fasting diet that I saw on a Horizon documentary. You only eat a max. of 500 calories 2 days a week, and whatever you want the rest of the time, which works well for me!!! I generally eat quite healthily during the weeks but do like to indulge at the weekends. Now that it is dark when I leave and get back from work, I can only get out on my bike at the weekends, when I have a free day. So I am gradually piling on the pounds.

Yesterday was a 'fast' day. I had to use alot of 'Khanti' - Patience to control my grumpiness. I had one piece of toast for breakfast and a carrot and cupasoup for lunch plus 1 coffee with sugar and 1 tea with honey, 2 cups of ginger tea and 3 X 750mls of water. I got home feeling very grumpy and to find that Rob was cooking chicken and chips. I told him he was mean for cooking dinner just as I got home and then he got stroppy with me and I found myself tired, irritable and pretty pissed off. Whilst I lay on the sofa contemplating my sorry state, I realised that I myself had caused the conflict with Rob when I got in from work. I made him feel guilty and in doing so he expressed anger at me, which I then reflected back at him. Once I had rationally thought through the reasoning behind our little conflict, I felt much better, though still hungry. So I had a hot chocolate.

Anyway, I got up this morning feeling light and rejuvenated and promptly consumed a poached egg with marmite on toast AND a pain au chocolat, num num. I don't actually feel the need to make up for yesterday's abstenation by gorging on too much rubbish food, which is good. I have my standard lunch of veggie couscous and an apple, plus some crisps if I want something more. I will probably cook some fish and broccoli tonight too.

So Day 1 of the fast was tough but I survived. Day 2 of the non-smoking was more difficult due to the hunger pangs but I still only had 5 cigarettes.

Beginnings

After developing an interest in Buddhism, following on from my passion for Philosophy and highlighted by two trips to Thailand in 2011, I visited a monastery in Hampshire last year.

Since my first visit, where I meekly entered the house at 'Cittaviveka' Chithurst Buddhist Monastery near Petersfield, clutching a bucket full of freshly picked watercress as 'Dana' (donated food) over a year ago, I have probably only returned about three times. 

My first visit was somewhat intimidating for a place filled with so much peace and love. The silence and I guess tradition of the way of life there is so that I felt I would interrupt it or shatter something so fragile and pure by doing something wrong. I turned up on a Sunday afternoon bearing a bucket of watercress I had picked from my parent's farm. I parked in a field sign posted 'car park' and walked into a large Victorian looking house. I heard voices down the corridors and followed them into a large kitchen with a long wooden table and wooden tops. I met a 'lay person' in normal clothes, not much older than me and he gratefully accepted my watercress before returning the bucket to me. I then explored the grounds which are truly something out of a fairytale. 

My best friend whom I met at the age of 7, visited the monastery for an extended stay of 3 nights after I had told her about it. When she was there I visited in the evenings and practised meditation and went for walks in the surrounding countryside. This was last year.

I did not return until recently, when said friend went for another extended stay at the monastery and I visited her again. Having now moved I am only 15 minutes from the monastery, I have even cycled past it a couple of times. So no more excuses. I leave the evening Pujas (meditation sessions) feeling rejuvenated and with a deep sense of peace in my heart. 

 

When I attended Puja last Tuesday with my friend, it was being led by the head Nun at the monastery - Ajahn Metta. 'Metta' is the ancient Pali word for 'loving-kindness'. Apparently all monks and nuns are given their Buddhist names by their teachers, and Ajahn Metta's name suits her down to a tee. She is quite small, probably something that is exaggerated by her long brown robes, with glasses and the customary shaven head. Her smile is infectious. She has a soft Austrian accent and is prone to the occassional chuckle. We did the 'metta' meditation practise and had a discussion afterwards. I found this particular session very insightful. As we were leaving, she gave me a copy of the book, 'Parami' by Ajahn Succitto - Head Abbott at Cittaviveka, and I have started reading....

Parami - commonly translated as 'perfection'.

In the book Ajahn Succitto lists the 10 Parami:

Dana - Generosity

Sila - Morality

Nekkhama - Renunciation

Panna - Wisdon

Viriya - Energy

Khanti - Patience

Sacca -Truthfulness

 Aditthana - Determination/Resolve

Metta - Kindness

Upekkha - Equanimity

Practising the Parami is something that we should be doing, all the time, in our everyday lives. To do so will help  us to alleviate stress and suffering in ourselves and in others. 

The development of the Parami comes in 3 stages; 

Initiating -  being aware of the Parami and contemplating them. 

Gathering - using them in the face of resistance from other thoughts and emotions like anger frustration, or craving, using them to overcome these thoughts and steady the mind.

Completion - Thoughts and feelings are established on the good and the whole. Not that you are perfect, but that a perfect balance has been struck. A change of life. 

I would say that I am currently in the 'initiating' stage and I am beginning to remember to consciously gather the Parami and use them at times of resistance. When I feel myself getting wound up for example, I can check my emotions and end the internal suffering of the mind.

In this blog, I guess I am going to make a note of what I learn on my journey with Buddhism. How I can use it in everyday life, the struggles and the successes. 

*Photos here are taken from the Cittaviveka website: http://www.cittaviveka.org/